January 28th, 2008
Creating Healthy Boundaries Part IV
This week I will share 4 steps to help you create healthy boundaries.
Know yourself. Self-awareness is key to healthy boundaries. You need to know what you like and dislike – emotionally, physically, and spiritually. It is important to spend time assessing how you want to be treated. It is important to understand that you have a right to your own opinions and beliefs. You have a right to decide how you want to be touched and by whom.
Visualize your boundaries – You can use imagery to establish your boundaries. Imagine a bubble of light surrounding you completely. Imagine this bubble of light as your boundary. It helps keep you separate from others and protects you from unwanted intrusions. This bubble is very strong, yet it is semi-permeable. It will allow in the things and people that you choose and keep out anything harmful. Imagine this bubble surrounding you at all times. In your mind’s eye picture someone yelling at you and you see their words bouncing right off your bubble. Now, imagine someone giving you a compliment and see their words passing right through the bubble into your heart.
Communicate your boundaries – It is your responsibility to let others know what your boundaries are. If someone crosses a line and violates a boundary of yours, you need to let them know. You need to be able to assert yourself and take care of your needs. You can’t expect others to automatically know what your boundaries are. You are unique and have unique boundaries. It is important to be assertive and clear when you communicate your boundaries.
In the examples above, Jane could say to her boss, “I am not comfortable with you sharing this information with me. I would prefer if we stick to business.” Harry could say to Frank, “I feel angry that you shared my private information with Joe. Please do not do that again.” Rose could gently remove Bob’s hand and say, “That feels uncomfortable, please do not touch me like that.”
Enforce your boundaries. To claim your personal power and maintain your integrity, you need to be willing to protect yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. If you express your boundaries and someone still violates them, it is your responsibility to issue consequences. You need to enforce your boundaries and be willing to take appropriate action even when a small violation has occurred.
If you do not enforce your boundaries, you give the message that it is ok to let someone violate your boundaries. If a person crosses a boundary and you do not let them know, they are likely to repeat the offense. In fact, their behavior and boundary violations may escalate. If you allow this to continue it then becomes more and more difficult to correct this issue.
The bottom line is that it is your responsibility to know and protect your boundaries. Boundaries are not meant to keep people away from you. They are necessary so that you can develop healthy relationships. Boundaries are meant to preserve your health, safety, and integrity. The key is to develop strong, but flexible boundaries. Boundaries are driven by context – you area able to adjust your boundaries depending on the situation. When you learn to create and enforce healthy boundaries you are claiming your personal power and taking responsibility for your life.
Until next month…
