March 17th, 2008
Wishes and Deal Breakers for Love
During the last week hopefully you were able to sit down to reflect on the things that you seek to make up your ideal relationship. Wasn’t it an eye-opening experience?Here is an example from a client of mine named Kelly (with her permission, of course). Kelly came to me because she really wanted to have direction in her dating life. She could not find a man who she trusted.With clear self-esteem issues going on, Kelly insisted on focusing solely on her dating quest. I asked her to begin by making a list of what she was looking for and what she was not looking for in a relationship.Kelly’s original list looked like this:What I need in a relationship: Handsome, tall, rich.What I want I a relationship: Fine dining and generous with money, lives nearby and nice car.What I would like to have in a relationship: Fun outings with good friends.Deal breakers: Lying, smoking, drug usage.It did not take long for Kelly to look at her list and realize that no wonder she was attracting the wrong men! On her “needs” list, she did not mention one personality attribute! On her “wants” list, she listed solely materialistic things. On her “would like to have” list, she only listed a social item because she really did not know “what else to write and had fun in social situations.” Her “deal breaker” list was very general. She was successful in attracting men who didn’t tell lies; in fact they were brutally honest. Since she did not mention kindness, her dating encounters went something like this: “I really was looking for someone younger/more exotic/taller/shorter/more independent/less independent, etc.”For the first time, she had that moment of pure truth. She was ready to step back and take a look at whom she really was inside before revising her list.Next week, I’ll share with you Kelly’s revised list.To your fulfillment,Cara
