Our son visited a new daycare with us and I could not have been a prouder parent.  He was upset at first and clung to Daddy who sat with him at circle time.  After five minutes my husband backed out of the circle and left our son with the class.  We watched from the sidelines as our son caught on to the songs and began to join the morning routine of this unfamiliar setting.  Next, he joined one of the activities with the other children.  He answered questions and seemed comfortable on first time trial visit.  The Teachers were amazed at how unusual this was to acclimate so quickly in a strange environment.  We all had been prepared for a melt down and this was quite amazing.  Of course we all acknowledged that every day could have a different result so we were not resting all of our decisions on this single experience.

We have enrolled our son in this daycare for many reasons including their response to our previous experience, their willingness to work with us in partnership on our son’s development, their ability to engage him, their openness, candor and honesty regarding their rules and their roles in the lives of the children and their parents.

We have learned a great deal in this process that has made us be more vigilant about fully participating in our son’s daily activities.  I have learned a great deal as a Mother and as a Woman in trusting my instincts and questioning what seems wrong as well as acknowledging when I need to seek counsel from true experts.  Our immediate and extended family has grown closer in many ways, reaffirming relationships that have been dulled over lack of time to engage each other.  Our son has become the center of attention once again and has literally shined a light on how precious children and family relationships are to us all. 

Think of a time when you second guessed your instincts?  How about when you reaffirmed your knowledge?  How did you feel about yourself and about your situation?  I’d love to hear your stories and thoughts.   

Until Next Month…
Cheryl

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This entry was posted by Cheryl Marks-Young on March 31st, 2008 under Parenting with keywords .

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During the teen years, sons and daughters are prone to distancing themselves from the family; parents sometimes take this change personal and wonder where did they go wrong. Rather than assigning blame, consider thinking of this confusing time for both parents and teens as learning a new dance they can enjoy together. 

Since prom is just around the corner, I thought “dance” would be a useful metaphor. When you’re dancing you are in a state of movement: in and out, forward and back, closer and farther from your dance partner. As in dance, so it is with life. It follows then that the parenting dance requires a flexibility of movement for stepping through various life patterns and cycles.

Any resistance to movement and flexibility will only create unnecessary tension. If during these few crucial years you react by complaining or trying to guilt your teenagers into spending more time with you as she’s stepping away, you’ll just make matters worse.

During adolescence it is normail for teens to begin carving out their own identify, apart from you. It’s in their DNA. Some teens withdraw more than others, but they all do it to some extent. There are lots of changes going on within as their brains and bodies enter into another stage of development. They need time away from you to better integrate the changes and to discover more about their new selves.

Not all Attachment is Healthy

As parents, we are naturally attached and strongly bonded to our children; it’s a survival instinct, but not all attachment is healthy. There’s a chance that you’re not consciously aware that some of the actions you are taking in the name of love are actually stunting your teenager’s growth. This happens when your desire to keep your teens close is out of balance (i.e. you want her to be close in the same manner as when she was young).

Now is an excellent time to remind yourself that we all see life through our own lenses. Without a dance of give and take, your relationship will dissolve into power struggles. Expect that your daughter’s views are going to differ from yours. Once you accept that there will be differences in your perspectives, you won’t take it personal when her views differ from your own. In fact, you’ll be eager to get to know your fascinating teen. When she feels your acceptance, your unconditional love, she will enjoy conversing with you and even initiate conversations.

The best parent-teen relationships are ones in which parents allow their teenagers are ones in which parents allow their teenagers to grow into adults, but also maintain a close and loving connection. Check out my next post where I’ll outline how to facilitate growth, not manage it.

My best,

Barbara

Barbara McRae, MCC

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This entry was posted by Barbara McRae on April 3rd, 2008 under Parenting with keywords .

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